Bad Coffee

BAD COFFEE — A Dark Comedy Brewing Simulator

Bad Coffee is a satirical, absurdist management simulation game where you run a cursed café serving 31 unique customers with increasingly questionable ingredients.

Core Premise

You're a barista with $50 and a pantry full of both legitimate coffee ingredients and... less legitimate options (glass shards, bleach, rat poison, antifreeze, etc.). Your job is to serve all 31 customers without triggering a game-over condition. It's a dark comedy about the consequences of bad decisions.

Game Flow

1. The Market (Morning)

Start each day at the Bulk Market (open 4am–6am, cash only)

Browse three ingredient categories: Bases, Normal, and Cursed

Build a shopping cart and buy supplies

Every 8 customers served, you return to restock

2. The Café (Service)

Customers arrive one at a time in random order (31 unique NPCs with names like Reginald Wormwood, Brenda Spritzletter, etc.)

Each customer has a quote and a specific order (e.g., "vanilla latte," "espresso with sugar")

You pick a base ingredient, add extras from your inventory, and serve

3. The Brewing System

Bases: Espresso, Drip Coffee, Latte Base, Tea

Normal Ingredients: Sugar, Cream, Milk, Cinnamon, Vanilla, Caramel, Whipped Cream, Chocolate

Cursed Ingredients: Triple X Shot, Glass Shards, Bleach, Rat Bait, Gasoline, Laxative, Mystery Pills, Ammonia, Detergent Pods, Antifreeze, Volcano Sauce, Mystery Meat

Outcome System

After serving, a newspaper headline reveals what happened:

Perfect: Correct base + correct extras, no cursed items ? +$14-20, happy customer

Acceptable: Correct base, close enough extras ? +$8-12, happy customer

Wrong Drink: Wrong base, no cursed items ? +$3, neutral

Unpleasant: Cursed items (low severity) ? +$2, customer gets sick

Hospital: Cursed items (medium severity) ? -$4, customer hospitalized

Catastrophe: Cursed items (high severity) or 4+ espresso shots ? -$10, customer dies

Headlines are absurdist and personalized (e.g., "LOCAL BARISTA NAILS ORDER, NATION IN AWE" or "CAFE UNDER INVESTIGATION AFTER CUSTOMER 'YEETED INTO ORBIT'").

NPC System

31 unique customers (15 male, 16 female) with distinct names and photos

Each NPC has persistent memory across games (stored in localStorage)

NPCs have moods, relationships with you, personalities, and interests

You can chat with customers before serving them

NPCs learn from each other about your café's reputation

Chat System

Talk to customers about coffee, life, love, death, sports, music, drugs, and more

Responses are context-aware based on NPC personality and mood

Building relationships affects NPC behavior

The Inspector

Visits at customer #11 and #21 during gameplay

Reviews your record: customers served, hospitalized, deceased

Can issue warnings or praise depending on your track record

Final inspection happens after all 31 customers

Win/Lose Conditions

Lose:

Kill all 31 customers ? Arrested

Hospitalize all 31 customers ? Café shuttered

Run out of money with empty pantry ? Bankrupt

Win:

Serve all 31 customers without triggering a lose state

Pass the final Inspector review

Audio & Visuals

Procedural sound effects (Web Audio API) for clicks, pouring, serving, cash register, happy/sick/dead sounds, inspector knocks, newspaper rustles

SVG-based graphics for coffee cups with visual representation of ingredients

Photo frames for customers and the inspector

Newspaper-style UI for outcomes

Steam particle effects on the menu

Tone

Dark comedy with absurdist humor. The game is explicitly satirical—a disclaimer states "100% fictional dark comedy. Do not attempt any of this in real life." It's a joke about the chaos of running a café, the randomness of customer satisfaction, and the moral ambiguity of serving questionable beverages.

That's your game: a twisted café simulator where the real challenge is balancing profit, customer satisfaction, and the temptation to poison people with increasingly ridiculous ingredients.